We've all gone crazy lately...lately?

some random ramblings

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

It's a cloudy, dreary day today. I'm at work, listening to Elton as usual. I haven't posted in over a week since my class started last Tuesday. It is called Database Concepts. So far, so good. I'm feeling ok. I'm tired. My "friend" is due. This weekend my parents are going away, which means Sue and I will be looking after my grandmother. It should be interesting. Her dementia is getting worse. She and Dad had a bit of a dust up this past weekend. He took her to a doctor's appointment on Friday. He mentioned to the doctor that he thought she might have some anxiety and asked if there was anything she could prescribe. The doctor said yes. However, my grandmother got upset and refused. She was in a shitty mood the next couple of days. She said Dad tried to make the doctor think she was crazy. She said some nasty things about Dad like the wrong son died. My dad's brother died back in 1997. When Dad got home that night they had a big arguement. I heard it and think it was just Dad getting upset. You can only take so much before you snap.

I went to the Up the Creek meeting Saturday night. I went over to Caroline's early so I could get away from my grandmother. She has calmed down since then. I just hope things go well this weekend or I will be the one popping Darvocets. I have off on Friday and Sue will be working with Michelle that day. I will just concentrate on my schoolwork. I will have to take things as they come. Ok, i better get some actual work done. TTFN. Peace.

Monday, October 16, 2006

I'm sitting at work. It's a nice day today. I'm feeling better than I was this past weekend. I was feeling depressed and was close to picking up a drink. My "friend" is due this upcoming weekend. Also, my grandmother's dementia seems to be getting worse. Her short-term memory is really bad. She was in a bad mood yesterday morning. Mom and Dad took a drive to the campgrounds in French Creek, where they are going the weekend of the 27th. My grandmother didn't remember them talking to her about going up there and didn't remember having breakfast. She asked about her meds and I said she took them at breakfast. She said she hasn't eaten all day and then mumbled to herself. She said everything was a big secret with my parents and that she would be better off dead. I don't think she wants Sue and I to watch her. She is afraid of missing her meds. She thinks she'll die while under our care.

I also had dreams about drinking. They weren't actually good dreams, but it was still very tempting. I thought that if I didn't have my class this week, I would drink. I had pangs of doubt and denial. It's so fucking frustrating. I went to the meeting last night. Sue came in a little late, but caught most of the meeting. She and I sat out in the parking lot afterwards talking. She said it would only be a matter of time before some really bad things as a result of my addiction if I picked up again. I could get a DUI. I could die or kill someone else. I could lose my job. I could get kicked out of my house. If there is any doubt about my addiction, I only need to see what happened when I drank. I had blackouts. I drank at work. I snuck bottles at home, into meetings and while in my car. I lied to people about it. I would hide it and become paranoid about anyone seeing me.

It's like I know what the consequences were and would be, yet I still want it so badly. It doesn't make any sense. I could think back to all the shit that happened and still find myself scheming about how to obtain a drink or drug. I want to just run away from life and not deal with anything. It's so much easier. Not that things stay easy for too long. I dunno. I guess I'm rambling. TTFN. Peace.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

I've spent too long in the belly of the beast
And now I shall be free

-- Sir Elton/Taupin '97

I'm sitting at work, bored. I don't want to be here. I guess I'm just tired. I was up too late on Pogo playing Penguin Blocks. It's a lot of fun. I got to bed after 1 am. I was tired so I don't know why I was up so late. Hell, I almost fell asleep while masturbating. I know - TMI.

Anyway, I've been feeling kinda out of it recently. I feel like I'm stuck in a rut, I guess. I begin my class next week, at least as far as I know. I am exactly 16 weeks sober today. I felt weird in regards to be sobriety. I still want to drink, but haven't got the balls to do it. Or maybe I'm smart enough to know better. I hope that's the case. The thought of disappointing people kills me. I wish I could just go off somewhere and drink, but I know that's not right. I still get pangs of denial and doubt. People always tell me that I will hear someone whose story is the same as mine, but that hasn't happened yet. Has anyone else had a short drinking career, didn't begin until their late 20's? Not that many or any people actually bother reading my blog. Oh well. TTFN. Peace.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Today is National Coming out Day. It is a day for GLBTQ people to be true to who they are, to come out and proclaim, "This is who I am and I'm proud of it!" Today, I wear a rainbow heart lapel pin. I'm going to the GLBQT meeting tonight. Tomorrow will be 16 weeks sober. It's the most time I've had in a while. I still have a great deal of confusion and doubt. I fucking hate it. It's frustrating because I don't know what to do. I'm so afraid I don't have a firm enough grasp on the program and will end up relapsing. I don't say anything because I don't know how to describe it. I'm afraid people will just laugh and call me crazy. Maybe I am crazy. TTFN. Peace.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

OOH! I so need to go to the mall this weekend. I gotta get the latest candles at Bath & Body Works. They are made by Slatkin & Co. Elton is a big fan of flowers and candles and he worked with Harry Slatkin to create these candles. They are based on those that Elton has in his own homes. Slatkin and Bath & Body Works recently merged. Previous Elton candles were sold at Niemen Marcus. The proceeds go to the Elton John AIDS Foundation. So be sure to check them out and help support a great cause. Ok, I'm in the middle of a tournament on Pogo. TTFN. Peace!
It's a Tuesday morning and I'm at work. My coworker, Wendy, and I are listening to The Steve Harvey Show. The listeners can call in and sing. I swear some of them can't carry a tune in a wheelbarrel. I don't feel so bad now about my lack of musical talent. They have us cracking up. This is helping my depression. It's hard to be down when listening to the show.

I didn't get to a meeting last night, but I probably should have gone. My pics aren't as nice as I thought they would be. I will have to scan some and try to tweak them in Photoshop. The picture I took of the newly engaged couple came out. I will scan and e-mail it to the woman and snail mail the 'hard copy' to her. I hope Sue's pics come out. I didn't get to talk to her last night. I'll go to a meeting tonight. I need to clean my room as well. I have to ride with Mom tomorrow because Dad needs to use my car to take Nana to a doctor's appointment.

I wish I could have normal feelings and dreams. My dreams are like Dali meets David Lynch on acid. Well..maybe not that weird, but pretty fucked up to me. Part of me hates my feelings for Elton. I'm a lovesick idiot. It fucking sucks! It almost makes me want to say "Fuck it all" and drink again. However, I couldn't do that. I love and respect Elton too much to drink over him. Oh well. At least my lack of an appetite will help me lose weight. I better get some work done. TTFN. Peace.

Monday, October 09, 2006

It's Monday afternoon and I'm sitting at work. Part of the building was without power this morning. We were also unable to get on the network. Things are back to normal..well as close as we're gonna get. Today would have been John Lennon's 66th birthday. So happy birthday, John whereever you are. It's kinda ironic that North Korea decided to conduct a nuclear test on the same day. I hope things don't escalate. Let's give peace a chance. TTFN.
I updated this page a bit. I changed the background templates and re-did my links. I also picked a different and seasonal avatar. Ok, off to bed. TTFN. Peace.

Sunday, October 08, 2006

Sue and I saw Elton last night in Atlantic City. Edie had to back out because she wasn't feeling well. Sue drove my car. We had a hell of a time finding a parking spot in the garage at Caesar's. We walked on the beach and found a bunch of seashells. There was a storm offshore and we found a bunch of conch shells. We then walked along the boardwalk. I had to pick up my ticket at about 6:30 or 7pm so we went to the box office. Sue decided to plop down $175 and got a ticket. My seat was in the center section 12 rows from the stage. Sue's seat was further back on the floor. I had 2 disposible cameras and used one and most of the 2nd one. Sue took a lot of pics as well.

Elton and the band rocked! They blew the roof off the dump. Elton looks and sounds amazing. The only issues I had was 2 drunk chicks in the row I was in. Also, security only let the first 3 rows up to the stage. I don't fault them for doing their job. For the most part, they were pretty cool. I had a great time nontheless. A couple asked me to take their picture. The boyfriend proposed to his girlfriend and she said yes. I got her addresses and I will send her a copy of the picture. I'm going to get the pics developed tomorrow. I hope they all come out. Sue had fun. It was her first Elton concert. We got back at about 2:30 am. There was a bad accident on I-76 so we had to use a different route. Sue was lost at first, but found her way to Germantown Ave. and knew how to get home from there. She kept her cool throughout so I gotta hand it to her. Ever since my relapse back in June, she has kept close tabs on me. I am about 14 weeks sober. It hasn't been easy. My moods have been wacky and my period skipped a month. I'm still a bit moody, but am feeling better. I am getting ready to go to the Sunday night candlelight meeting. I'm watching Meerkat Manor on Animal Planet. They are so adorable and very tenacious. Ok, I am off to the meeting. TTFN. Peace.

Saturday, October 07, 2006

I'M SO EXCITED! I'm going to see Elton John tonight in Atlantic City! I'm going down with Sue and Edie. They're gonna check out the casinos while I'm in the concert. I'm a little over 14 weeks sober and am feeling better. Granted, I still have my issues, but then again, don't we all? I wish I wouldn't still get cravings. All the bullshit goes spinning around inside my head like Tigger on crank. My grandmother moved in with us back in early July. She's my dad's mother. She's in her mid 80's and has a lot of health issues. She's in conjestive heart failure and winds up in the hospital every few months to have fluid drained from her body. She suffers from dementia and is on a lot of meds. Things get interesting around here sometimes. My cat, Callie, is still crazy. I love her to bits. She's my baby. She's almost 13 months old.Bojangles, the dog, is still a bigger pussy than the cat. And Monty, well..let's just say I'm trying to teach him to say "Tastes like chicken."

Gosh, I'm sitting here all nervous and excited about the concert. My dream is to meet Elton, but there's a snowball's chance in hell of that ever happening. I could never afford to go to any of his charity events. sigh I can dream, can't I? He is truly a wonderful, compassionate and gifted man. And he's a cutie. ;) Ok, I better finish getting ready to go. TTFN!