I'm sitting at work. It's a nice day today. I'm feeling better than I was this past weekend. I was feeling depressed and was close to picking up a drink. My "friend" is due this upcoming weekend. Also, my grandmother's dementia seems to be getting worse. Her short-term memory is really bad. She was in a bad mood yesterday morning. Mom and Dad took a drive to the campgrounds in French Creek, where they are going the weekend of the 27th. My grandmother didn't remember them talking to her about going up there and didn't remember having breakfast. She asked about her meds and I said she took them at breakfast. She said she hasn't eaten all day and then mumbled to herself. She said everything was a big secret with my parents and that she would be better off dead. I don't think she wants Sue and I to watch her. She is afraid of missing her meds. She thinks she'll die while under our care.

I also had dreams about drinking. They weren't actually good dreams, but it was still very tempting. I thought that if I didn't have my class this week, I would drink. I had pangs of doubt and denial. It's so fucking frustrating. I went to the meeting last night. Sue came in a little late, but caught most of the meeting. She and I sat out in the parking lot afterwards talking. She said it would only be a matter of time before some really bad things as a result of my addiction if I picked up again. I could get a DUI. I could die or kill someone else. I could lose my job. I could get kicked out of my house. If there is any doubt about my addiction, I only need to see what happened when I drank. I had blackouts. I drank at work. I snuck bottles at home, into meetings and while in my car. I lied to people about it. I would hide it and become paranoid about anyone seeing me.

It's like I know what the consequences were and would be, yet I still want it so badly. It doesn't make any sense. I could think back to all the shit that happened and still find myself scheming about how to obtain a drink or drug. I want to just run away from life and not deal with anything. It's so much easier. Not that things stay easy for too long. I dunno. I guess I'm rambling. TTFN. Peace.