It has been ages since I last posted, but I'm still alive. A lot has happened in the last 5 months. I relapsed a few times - the last one was on June 20. In May, I spent 5 days in Horsham Clinic. Those days did help, but I still relapsed a few weeks later. Why? Am I that stupid or crazy to think I can drink safely? Sometimes I want to leave and go somewhere I can be drunk all the time. I find myself scheming of ways to get drunk or high. It doesn't matter what the drug is - alcohol or some pill. When I go to the CVS to pick up my meds or like this past weekend to get pads, anything, I look at things I could get to make me feel good or escape. I don't have the balls to actually follow through with these thoughts or fantasies. I suppose that is a good thing. I keep going to meetings every night, hoping that I'll finally "get it." Maybe I'm not really an alcoholic. I wish I knew what's wrong with me. I want the energy and courage to do things. Things like get on my bike or go some place. I'm tired of others telling me what to do and what to feel. I'm an adult so why can't I do things on my own without feeling the need to get permission from my parents? It's fucking bullshit. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to bang my head against the wall. (The poor wall, I know.) TTFN. Peace.