We've all gone crazy lately...lately?

some random ramblings

Thursday, May 31, 2007

It has been a while since I last posted. Things are going well. I'm coming up on my anniversary. It is hard to believe it's almost a year since I last got drunk. It's a miracle too given all the stuff that has happened since then. My grandmother is in a nursing home. We could not take care of her. She wasn't walking and practically had to be lifted from bed to wheelchair back to bed. She had a bed sore on her backside that was hurting her. Sue was a godsend. She helped to change Nana's diapers and get her cleaned up. Nana's dementia got bad again even with the beds she's on. I found myself praying - and feeling guilty - for her to pass on. It was not to be mean. I didn't like to see her suffering. I don't believe she is long for this world, but I'm ok with that. She has had a good, long life.

I'm feeling better with regards to Sue's new girlfriend. I think my big problem was feeling stuck in the middle between what other people have said about her and what I feel to be true. I think they just need to get to know her better. They look at her eccentricities and don't see her as a complete person. She has Lupus and has some mental health issues, mainly depression and anxiety. I got to see the real person this past holiday weekend. We all hung out - Sue, her gf, another friend and myself - this weekend. There was an AA picnic on Sunday. We all went swimming at my house on Monday. It was a lot of fun.

We're having a party at my house on July 7th to celebrate my 1 year anniversary and Sue's gf's 21 years. She and I share the same anniversary date, just 20 years apart. We're going to be room mates on the Founder's Day trip to Akron, Ohio next weekend. I'm very excited. It's my first trip to Akron and I heard it is a powerful experience. Ok, back to work. TTFN. Peace.

Friday, May 04, 2007

It is a sunny Friday. It's hard to believe it's May already. This year is just flying by so quickly. My grandmother comes home today. I don't know how this going to work. She can barely walk and will be confined to a chair or bed. we think she has some Parkinson's disease. We also wonder if she had a mini-stroke. Things should be interesting to say the least. I will be sure to get to a lot of meetings. My anniversary is next month and the added stress of caring for my grandmother could be a trigger for a relapse if I'm not careful. I know plenty of people who would put their foot up my ass if I did. I would also throw away my tenure as GSR for the glbt meeting I attend and as Grapevine rep for another group. I also have the feeling that I would not be back for a while, maybe if ever.

I still find myself feeling resentful and jealous of Sue and her girlfriend. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I do. I'm the one who's in love with a gay guy. I've been very moody and a bit distant recently. and to think people tell me I appear more confident. HA! And if you believe that then I got a bridge in Arizona I want to sell you. I need some confidence and self-esteem. How in God's name can you say I have something I lack?!?!? I'd kill to be normal, whatever that is. It certainly ain't me. Tonight I'll go to a meeting then play WoW. I got a lvl 40 blood elf pally with a mount. I also have a couple of alts I gotta lvl up. Ok, I gotta get some work done. TTFN. Peace.