Looking like a true survivor...

- I'm Still Standing - Elton John '83


Today is 2 years sober. It's so hard to believe. The time just seems to fly by. So much has happened in the time since my last drunk on June 21, 2006. I like to think that I have grown somewhat emotionally and spiritually. I still have periods of depression and self-loathing. I still get a bit 'squirrely' in my head. Let's face it, my mind is a bad neighborhood to visit, sorta like Compton at 2am. I am starting to get more responsible, although I still have a way to go yet. I am more able to deal with what life dishes out. I stayed sober when my grandmother died. I haven't thought about picking up a drink over losing my job. I'm going to apply for a higher up position, which will hopefully mean more money. I've been home alone and not thought of drinking. I made sure the animals were taken care of and to look after things around the house. Although, my room still looks like an F5 tornado hit it. Progress, not perfection. I need to gravitate towards positive people and away from those who will bring me down. I don't care for bullies, having been picked on while growing up. I just need to remember that the bullies have issues of their own and instead of going on the defensive, pray for them. Pray that God removes those glaring character defects, but only if it is His will. Ok, back to playing WoW. My night elf druid is halfway to lvl 66. TTFN. Peace.

Wow. Quite a bit has happened since my last post. I'm coming up on 2 years sober. The gal I like has 8 months. I had her speak for me Memorial Day weekend at the glbtq AA meeting. She did a great job. I'm proud of her. I see a lot of similarities between our stories. I chaired the meeting for the month of May. I did miss one meeting because I was isolating. I also missed the disctrict meeting. Sue keeps getting on my case about that and it bugs the shit out of me. It's like, I'm sorry so can we let it go? I dunno. Maybe it's good she does it so I don't drink again. I know she does it out of love and concern.

Earlier in the month of May, we went to Eastern State Penitentiary. I took a lot of pics, which I uploaded to my Photobutcket album. It's really neat there. I hope to go back because you can't see everything in one trip. I'm glad to get away from things. Especially since I'm about to lose my job. The corporate pinheads decided to centralize the busniess office and move charge entry to the Erdenheim office. They've done this in the past, only to move it back to the sites within a year or two. If I was to do the same job at 906, I'd have to apply and interview for it. That's just fucking bullshit. I think they're doing that so they don't have to pay me as much. I'd still get the benefits, which are really good, but I'm sure my pay would go down. How nice of them when gas is $4/gallon. I could apply for another position within the company. I'm hoping to get one at our site, the one further down Broad Street, where my mom works. I have to get my resume together and apply at other places as well. I'd like to get one closer to home, perhaps at Penn Foundation or Harleysville Insurance.

I am surprised I'm taking the news so well. I didn't want to drink over it, although it would be nice to crack some of their skulls and say, "What the fuck are you thinking?!?!?" They FINALLY posted the jobs down at 906. They were supposed to post them at the beginning of May. Not like they ever do anything on time. I'd been really behind in my work, but my boss helped me out a bit. I'm getting caught up, slowly, but surely.

I went to Akron for Founders' Day June 6-8. It was hot as Hell, but I had fun. No dyke on a bike this year. I took a bunch of pics, although not as many as last year. I will try to post some. I put a one year coin on Dr. Bob's gravestone and took a 2 year coin. I made sure to put a notch in my old one. I also picked up a 20 year coin for Sue. Her anniversary is in November. I got some pins for my friends.

I'll have 2 years sober this weekend. I never thought I'd get this far. I try not to think about it too much because I'm still good at doubting myself. Maybe instead of bitching about the things I don't have or that don't go my way, I should remember how blessed I am. I'm not in China dealing with the aftermath of the devastating earthquake, the mid-western US having floods and tornadoes or in Burma after the cyclone and a government that doesn't care about its people. (damn! Now there's a run-on!) I'm sick of all the pissing and moaning from all sides of the political spectrum. I don't like paying over $4/gallon for gas either.

I am sick of ultra-conservatives and ultra-liberal fighting. I'm a bit of a liberal, especially on social issues, and don't like being told I don't care about people, that I'm anti-American, anti-religion, anti-family. Yeah, I'm an alcoholic/addict so I can be self-centered, but not to the point of not caring about others. I can't donate to charity as often as I'd like due to financial constraints of my own. However, I have loved ones who've dealt with cancer, MS, Lupus, HIV/AIDS and I do what I can. Maybe this is a bit of leftover PMS from last week when I had my period. Oh well, I'm at work and I want to get out of here on time today. I have a lvl 64 night elf druid to work on. I'm also going to a meeting tonight. TTFM. Peace.

Quite a bit has happened in the last couple weeks. I went to an AA anniversary dance and had a great time. The gal I like was there. We all had fun dancing. It did end a little early dur to people leaving to go to another dance in NJ, I think.

I took the day off on Wednesday April 2nd. I had the root canal on the infected tooth. I go back on the 23rd to get the permenant filling put in. Sue and I went to the noon meeting in Hilltown. Sue is charing it for the month of April. Then went went to Pizza Hut for lunch. I began choking on a piece of bread and sue did the Heimlich on me. I was able to cough up the piece I was choking on, and probably swallowed the rest of it. A few minutes later, I took my noon dose of my Penicillin. I took a pill that was bigger than the bread I choked on.

On Friday night, I went to a meeting. I noticed that my left palm was itching. I thought, "I wonder if that means I'll be getting any money." Things were the same on Saturday when we went to the meeting then to Longhorn Steakhouse for a bite to eat. I only had mashed potatoes because my tooth was still sore. Then the shit hit the fan on Sunday.

I woke up and my eyes were puffy and itchy. My left palm now was red and sore. My lip was swollen as well. I took a Lysine thinking I was getting a cold sore. My joints started to hurt and I figured I was coming down with the flu. As the day went on, I felt worse. My face was puffy, my body itched all over and a I had a fever. We realized that it was an allergic reaction, but didn't know to what. I called my doctor's emergency line and she told me to take 2 Benadryl. It was a good thing I did because I think my throat would have closed up if I hadn't. The next day I came to work, but left early to go to the doctor. They figured it was the Penicillin that caused the reaction. I was given a Medrol pack. (A week's worth of Prednisone that tapers you down each day.) Oh great, I'm PMSing and on steroids. The bitch is definitely back. Just ask the people in WoW. I go ballistic when some asshole ganks me. I'm trying to do as many daily quests as possible so I can make the money for my epic flying mount. I have about 3,000 gold now. When I get to 5k, I might purchase a couple hundred gold. I don't like doing it, but it will help defer some of the cost of the training and buying the mount. I'll get a swift wyvern, but work on Netherwing rep so I can get a Netherwing drake. The new patch added more daily quests, new area (Isle of Quel'danas) and 2 new instances. Also Shattered Sun to get rep for and some nice items. Oh, and I added a couple new links to my Photobucket album and my AIM profile. Ok, I'm at work. TTFN. Peace.

Yesterday was a bad day. We had our dog, Bojangles, put to sleep. The cancer was spreading rapidly and he was suffering. It's hard when a pet dies, They become a part of the family. We know it was for the best, but that doesn't make it hurt less. He can now playing with Sparky and Max again. We'll see them again after we pass on.

I went to the dentist after work because I had a bad toothache. The tooth has an old silver filling in it. It started hurting a few days ago and kept getting worse. So I made an appointment for Thursday evening. I had a feeling it was infected. And I was right. They took an x-ray and said there's a big absess beneath it. I got a script for Penicillin and scheduled the root canal for Wednesday morning. They offered Tylenol with Codeine, but I told them I want to try Advil PM or Tylenol PM first. If that doesn't work, then I'll opt for the stronger pain meds. I think once the anti-biotics start working, I'll feel better. The infection was making me tired, although the stress of losing Bo and a lack of sleep also contributed to the fatigue.

Easter was nice. I spent it with friends. This included the gal I like. She only has 6 months sober and I won't 13th step her. That could take us both out. We saw the movie I Am Legend with Will Smith. It's a good movie. One friend is a little squimish so she was warned when any gross parts were about to come on. Especially some of the scenes with the dark seekers. We also watched the season finale of The L Word. It was really good. And hot! Ok, I need to cool off now. I have a meeting at noontime. And, yes, I have 21 months sober. TTFN. Peace.

I think I'll just give up on trying to get my say in discussions, especially on TNCR. It's like whatever I say gets ignored, except if I act like a total cunt. I say outragious shit so people will actually acknowledge me. I never mean what I say. It's just a plea for attention. I do the same thing when I play WoW. i get frustrated when I get ganked while trying to complete a quest. Yeah, I know it comes with the territory on pvp realms. I just want to get lvled up so I can join my friends in Kara and Gruul runs. I see the lvl 70's doing all this cool shit and I'm lvl 47 and want to get there so badly. The guild on Arthas is more involved than the one my 70 belf pally is in. A friend from TNCR is in the guild on Arthas. He's pretty cool. I think he knows I'm getting frustrated on TNCR and WoW. I'm PMSing, which doesn't help things at all.

I need to work on stress and anger management. I get stressed here at work. I was glad when we got to Philly on Thursday. We went to Eastern State Penitentiary (arrived too late for the tour, but hung out in the gift shop and museum area), and had box seats for the Flyers game. (Flyers beat Tampa Bay 3-2. W00T!) The weather was great and it was good to see our friend who lives down in Center City. I was sore for the next few days from all the walking we did. I'm gonna ask for off on the 26th to go down to Philly again. I hope my stress and anger levels go down or I'll want to stay with the ghosts at ESP. I'm at work so I'll try to write more later. TTFN. Peace.

Blah! I'm so sick of winter! We just got hit with a lovely storm. At least I got to come home early on Friday. Oh, and Friday was 20 months sober for me. I could have blown off work, but I wanted to get some stuff done since my boss was out of the office that day. I am becoming what I never thought I'd become: a responsible adult. I still have my moments when the old behaviors and thoughts come back. I got my period last week. FINALLY! I swear my body loves to plays tricks on me. Oh yeah nothing like my period taking it's fucking time getting here so I got to PMS for longer than usual. I'm sure those near and dear to me loved it as well.

I am finding it harder to be around negative people. Not just the depressed, pissed off and morose people. It's anyone in a bad mood. I guess it goes with being a sensitive, but I think it's something more. Maybe I'm changing and those who aren't changing as well, I find myself turned off by. It's frustrating because these are my family and friends. Those near and dear to my heart. I don't want to push them away, nor feel alienated myself. I feel like no one listens to me or takes me seriously. It's easier to just keep quiet. I know it's not healthy, but everytime I try to express myself I get ignored or brushed aside. I try to talk about things going on in my life or how I feel, they don't pay attention and just turn the conversation back to themselves. I sometimes feel invisible. I feel like no one would notice if I dropped off the face of the Earth. Oh well, it's almost 1:00 am and I got to get up for work later this morning. TTFN. Peace.

As many of you may have seen on the news, Denise was murdered. Her body was discovered near the area that authorities were searching. Her family is, obviously, devastated. Her 2 young children, Adam and Noah, are without their mother. Her husband, Nathan, is without his wife, lover and best friend. All because of a madman. Those of us who know her mother-in-law, Peggy, know how hard this has hit the family. She is just heartbroken and angry at her killer and the media which keep hounding her. The main one being NBC who have been trying to get the family on the "Today" show along with the cousin of the killer who saw a woman in King's car but did not call 9-1-1 right away. I wish I could take away the family's pain and grief.

On a happier note, I'm 19 months sober. It absolutely amazes me. I feel happy, yet frustrated. Maybe that 'pink cloud' people always talk about is disappearing. I feel very jealous of people who can drink. people talk about any type of booze on TNCR and I feel envious. Or when I see people I know and love drink. I still find myself dreaming and scheming of how to get drunk or high. Anything to take me out of myself. I've thought of everything from booze to over the counter medicine like cough syrup or sleeping pills (of course, they're made not to be addictive) to vanilla extract. I just don't have the balls to do any of these things, except for the OTC sleeping pills, which I take every night. I get mixed signals of whether they're addictive since the package says they're not habit forming. Who knows? I still go to meetings, but never share what I'm really feeling. Maybe I only go to make others feel better. Or to see the guy I'm crazy about. *sigh*

Right now my big addiction is WoW. I discovered the fun of private servers, although retail is still a lot of fun. I'm lvling up my skinning on my main. I'm trying to get the gold to get the training for my epic flying training. It will take time to get 5,000 gold, but I can do it. I have Netherwing drakes on private servers and want one so badly on retail. Or swift flight form on my druids. Gawd, I'm such a geek. I guess I better get some work done. My car is in the shop: new intake manifold and head gaskets, so my mom has been bringing me to work. I can't work later to get more done. TTFN. peace.